July Bead Journal Page

Love, New Orleans Style

April 2003

October 2005-March 2008

The weekend before we got married, Tommy and I went to Baton Rouge for a workshop I was doing with the LA Ag Dept.  We checked into the hotel and headed to New Orleans, only an hour away.  We took a horse drawn carriage ride through the French Quarter followed by beignets and hot chocolate at Cafe Dumonde.  It was so romantic and wonderful.

August 29th of 2005, The Big Easy got hit by Hurricane Katrina.  The company that owns the hotel Tommy was chief engineer at in New Hampshire also had a property in N.O.  They wanted a chief with LA experience to be in charge of putting it back in order.  So in early October, we left NH for NO.  Between the time the storm happened and we were sent south, the chief at the NO property retired and a new one was promoted.  Tommy went in as Asst. Chief, which suited him just fine.  The hotel we were moving into was The La Pavillon on Poydras St.We lived here from early October til just after the first of December.  I will never forget being introduced to the general manager and then being told by him that I was not to leave the hotel for any reason unescorted.  New Orleans was under martial law.  I could not even go across the street to the parking lot where our truck was parked alone.  We had a nice room on the sixth floor overlooking Baronne Street.

Life in post Katrina New Orleans was something I hope to never experience in anyway again.  I will never forget National Guardsmen with M-16s on every corner; hundreds of "drowned" vehicles under I-10; circles with X's through them made by the searchers looking for survivors or bodies;  high water marks in the middle of buildings and homes; boats in the middle of levees, roadways, and highways; overturned cars in lawns; refridgerators lining the streets; gunshots at night; a sea of blue roofs (tarps).

There were also lots of good times.  We lived in the French Quarter on Royal Street.  There was a nice little Italian restaurant a block from us.  The owners walked past our place each day on their way to work.  They made friends with Zoe...and of course us.  Each time we would get a pizza delivered they would include a little package for Zoe filled with pepperoni and cheese bread.  She is so spoiled.  Each Mardi Gras there were atleast a thousand or more colorly costumed people that paraded past the apartment.  Tommy, Rafal, Zoe, and I would sit on the balcony and people watch for hours.  Tommy wouldn't let me go downstairs til he knew I didn't have a pair of scissors in my hands...boy those costumes were beautiful and would have look wonderful on the floor of my studio and in my work...lol.

The gentleman who lived in the lower half of the house was the retired curator of the NO Jazz Museum.  He was a great neighbor.  Each Mardi Gras he would keep a sign in list for everyone who stopped by his place.  The first year we were there, 2006, he had almost a thousand names on that list.  My inlaws were visiting and my fil sat down there with him and loved every moment of it.  He talked about it for years.

Looking back, New Orleans was a really happy time for us. 

It's been a while since my last post.  I just can't seem to get up the enthusiasm to write here or anywhere else.  I been going up and down with depression.  The last really bad bout lasted most of the summer.  Talking to my family and friends was hard enough, writing here was impossible.  I still have two BJP pages to post and four more to make.  I'm sure they will get done just don't know when. 

I have taken to setting myself short term goals and it seems to be working so far.  Mom and I are doing two shows that are coming up.  One is the Herbal Harvest Fest at St. Patrick's Episcopal Church, which is just down the road from us.  This show is on October 23, the day after my brother's 25th birthday.  The second show is at the WM Moose Lounge on Nov. 6th.  My best friend, Allison, kinda signed me up for this one.  The lady in charge of finding the vendors lives 5 doors down from her and is a good friend of her mother's.  We are one of only 14 vendors at that show.

Of course right in between the two shows is the one year anniversary.  I don't know if I am going to be able to survive it.  Allison is taking the day off and coming to spend the night with me.  She says the three of us are having a sleep over party...me, mom and Allison.  Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

I have been doing better on the crying front.  I don't do it quite so often any more.  Of course it doesn't take anything to make me bawl.  But I can look at pics of my beloved without crying.  I've gotten where I can talk about memories without crying.  I know my mom is getting tired of hearing about things she already knows about but she is awesome and gets me to talk about our life together more.

We are planning on going to New Hampshire in April to clean out our storage...finally.  My brother and Allison both say they are going with us.  It will be my mom's first big vacation in just over ten years.  We spent two weeks in Colorado in 2000.  Had a wonderful time.  I am hoping this trip will be just as good.  I am, though, a little paranoid about bedbugs.  Actually I seem to be getting obsessed with fear of them...of getting them on this trip.  Who knows...just gives me something else to think and worry about.

Question:  Why are people surprised I am still wearing my wedding ring?  Is there a time limit to wear it?  Why would I take it off?  I had to stop going to grief counseling classes cause they kept telling me, 4 months after I lost Tommy, that I was to stop wearing my ring and stop telling people I am married.  They kept tellign us we are single again and to start saying it and putting it on things that ask about marital status.  That was one of the major reasons I stopped going.  That and the fact that everyone else seemed to be having just too much fun.

Ok, I'm gonna stop rambling now. 

This is the pouch I made for the stash and stitch swap I hosted on the CQ4Newbies group.  Including myself there were four swappers.  Everyone's work was wonderful and they made some really nice pouches.  Everyone will be pleased with what they receive.

Yesterday at 10:40 pm made it six months since I last talked to my beloved Tommy. 13 minutes later made it six months since he drew his last breathe. I truly don't know how I made it or why I am still alive. I miss him so very very much and wish so much that I could be with him.


I had a lot of first in the last six months
first Halloween -- his favorite holiday
first Thanksgiving
my birthday
first Christmas
first New Year's
first Valentine's Day
first wedding anniversary -- our 7th

The last major event will be his birthday on May 30.  Of course then comes the one year anniversary of losing him. 

Maybe the second or third year will be a little easier.  Maybe I can think of him without crying or losing my breath.  Dear God, it has to be easier, just a little.

I am very grateful for the love and support of my mom and brother, my friends, both here and online, especially my best friends Allison and Lesa, and everyone of you who come and visit my blog.  I don't know what I would do without any of you.  Thank you so much for being there.

I love you and miss you so very much, my dearest darling love.

June Bead Journal Page

BLIZZARD

FEBRUARY 2005

VIRGINIA AND NORTH CAROLINA

In February of 2005, Tommy and I went home to West Monroe for a visit.  We were living in Williamsburg, VA.  We took 1-64 south through the Monitor-Merrimac Tunnel into Norfolk and then on into Suffolk.  The weather was a little chilly but having the window down to film the trip was still tolerable. 

As we headed west toward on VA 58 going towards 85S, we approached a meadow on my side of the road.  I was still filming and we were talking.  I asked Tommy if he had any idea why the meadow was so foggy.  He had no clue.  The closer we got though, we realized it wasn't fog but SNOW!!!!  We were both surprised by this as the day was so clear and fresh.  But snow it was.  The further we drove the more accumulation there was on the trees and the road.  After a brief time, we caught up with other vehicles.  They were all driving at a safe speed in the right hand lane.  My husband grins at me and then moves into the unused, snow filled left lane....and no he never slowed down.

I quickly tightened my seatbelt and grabbed the oh shit handle.  Tommy just laughed.  Ok, so I'm a southern girl.  This was more snow than I had ever seen at one time in my life and the stuff was still coming down.  I wanted Tommy to slow down and get in the right hand lane where it was being cleared by the cars ahead of us.  He refused.  Said we were safer in the left lane.  Finally we reached an overpass where we were forced by a state trooper to get in the right lane as the left was closed for emergency vehicles coming through. Yes, there had been an accident and yes it was in the right hand lane.  Tommy reminded me of that every few minutes.  After a while all the emergency people were there and the left lane began to fill up with 18 wheelers.  They didn't slow down either.  What is it with men that they think they can control any vehicle on any road in any condition at any time? 

We finally made it 95 and decided to go south on it instead of continuing onto 85.  Good thing too cause as we listened to the radio we heard reports out of Durham and Chapel Hill that traffic was so slow some people moved mere inches in several hours.  They told of trucks trying to make it up the hills of 85 and sliding back down.  Boy was I grateful we decided on 95. 

Tommy laughed at me the whole time we were on icy roads.  I was/am not afraid to admit I was terrified.  He thought it was a blast.  I'm not sure which he enjoyed more, the weather or terrifying me.  He was a very safe driver and we were never in any danger but sheesh.

So this page is a small piece of that blizzard.

This is a picture of Violet's completed winter season to season block that I did for her.  This is for a swap on the CQForNewbies group.

May's Bead Journal Project Page

Paradise

Kimball Hill

Whitefield, NH

July-October 2005

In July of 2005, Tommy got the job as Chief Engineer at Mountain View Grand Resort and Spa in Whitefield, NH.  It is a beautiful old resort that was built in 1865 by the Dodge Family.  It is in New Hampshire's White Mountains.While we were there, we lived in a two room cabin ontop of Kimball Hill.  The cabin was part of an old B and B.  It was wonderful.  There was a large meadow in front where all manner of wild animals grazed.  An old stone wall split the meadow in two.  From our front porch, Tommy could see all the way across the valley to the hotel.  He enjoyed having his morning coffee out there while talking to whoever was already at work.

We had no television.  Cable stopped about a mile from the road we lived on.  We did have high speed internet installed.   The cabin came furnished, so all we added were computer desks and a recliner.  There was no air conditioning, but just put a fan in the window and it was quite cool.  Compared to the other two rooms, the bathroom was so small, you had to come out of it just to change your mind.  We spent most of time in the bedroom, which was where the computers and my sewing area was.   

The town was so small and quaint.  It only had a blinking red light and a stop sign.  I had never been that far north or lived in a town that small.  It was wonderful and so peaceful.  Tommy had a little store that he stopped at to get cigarettes and gas.  By the time he walked in the door, they had a pack of smokes on the counter for him.  The little deli in the store made the best fried mushrooms and chicken strips.  Once they got to know you, they were so nice and friendly.

We had planned on retiring there.  Maybe not on Kimball Hill but in Whitefield.
We were there only three months.  The company that Tommy worked for owned another hotel in New Orleans.  After Katrina hit, they sent him to that property to restore it and make it able to withstand another storm of that size.  We were told it would only be 5, maybe 6 months and then we could return to Whitefield.  Unfortunately during that time, the company's CFO, who was running Mtn. View was arrested for bribery, frauding, skimming from the books and a couple of other things.  He is still in prison.  The company had to send in another general manager to take over.  He took his own staff with him, so Tommy's job was no longer available.  We were both devastated.  We still have a full storage unit up there that we have not been able to get back to.  I will one of these days soon.

Two Into One

This is my April bead journal page.  Tommy and I got married on Saturday April 19, 2003 at 3 pm in the chapel of Messiah Lutheran Church in Monroe, LA.  Reverend Dale Farley performed the ceremony.  My colors were royal blue and silver with touches of white.  My mother made my wedding dress and my very dear friend, Dorothy Windham, loaned me her gorgeous 30" string of pearls.  My brother Jeremy gave me away.  My best friend Allison was my matron of honor.  My cousin Jenie Tauber and good friend Cherry Thorne were bridesmaids.  Tommy's nephew Jeremy was his best man and my brother Jeremy was his groomsman.  We spent our wedding night at The Atrium in Monroe and our honeymoon in Hot Springs, Arkansas.

We spent the first night of our honeymoon at the historic Park Hotel.  It's behind the Arlington Hotel on the road leading to the lookout tower.  It is a beautiful old hotel.  It has no air conditioning.  There was a huge ceiling fan over the bed.  It was set to turbo speed.  Tommy turned it off at one point just to cut down on the noise a little.  We found out then why it was set so fast.  Without the sound of the fan going, you could everything in all the rooms around you as if you were actually in the room with them.  Needless to say we kept the fan going.

The bed was a matter unto itself.  The bed and the pillows were like laying on stone.  When you put your head on the pillow you kind of expected it to leave an impression.  Not on these pillows.  We joked that a pillow fight would be deadly.  Needless to say, beautiful hotel that it was, we only spent one night there.

We spent the next three nights at the Downtowner. My mom, brother and I spent Thanksgiving week there in 1997 after my dad died.  I knew we would have comfortable rooms.  They have a spa on the top floor with the mineral baths in the basement.  It was really nice and the pillows were not deadly.

Next month will be our 7th anniversary.  I am not sure that I will be able to survive it.

HELL FREEZES OVER AS THE NEW ORLEANS SAINTS WIN THE SUPER BOWL 31 TO 17 OVER THE INDIANAPOLIS COLTS AND HOMETOWN BOY PEYTON MANNING ENDING THEIR 43 YEAR LOSING STREAK

GOD SAVE THE CITY OF NEW ORLEANS FROM THE AFTER PARTY.  HURRICANE KATRINA IS GONNA LOOK LIKE A SUMMER BREEZE BY COMPARISON.  I SO WISH TOMMY WERE HERE TO SEE THIS. 

WARNING!!!!  HELL IS ON THE VERGE OF FREEZING OVER.  WARNING!!!!

Yep, you heard it...or rather read it...hell is getting cooler.  Why???  The New Orleans Saints are going to the Superbowl.  And this year they won't have to use their season tickets, either.  They are actually being permitted to step onto the grass.  And not as the half time comic relief act....they actually get to play football.  Of course since I live in Louisiana, I should be a Saints fan right?  Nope, sorry to disappoint...I don't follow football at all.  But if they do win, I guess we know who might be responsible for all the snow and ice happening now.  The devil will be pulling out the longjohns tomorrow night.

I am secretly hoping they win cause Tommy's best friend, Rafal has a bet going with the crew of the Le Pavillon, the hotel he worked at with Tommy.  He still works there.  Anywho, if the Saints win, Rafal has to get a fleur de lis on his tushie with about 20 people watching.  Smart people, I wouldn't trust him to tell me the truth about getting it either.

GEAUX SAINTS!!!  (just getting into the spirit of things)

My mom was looking at my blog tonight and asked me why I did not tell everyone the names of my BJP pages.  I simply forgot.  I got so involved in memories and telling the stories behind the pages that I forgot to give their names.  So to correct that omission, here are the names of my pages.

January--The Rage of a Frozen Heart
February--Peeping
March--Going Home

FEBRUARY AND MARCH BJP PAGES

Once I started working on the first page, memories and images just started flowing.  February's page is a fall colored tree. 

From May 2004 to July 2005, we lived in Williamsburg, Virginia.  During the fall of 2004, Tommy and I drove the Blue Ridge Parkway in Virginia.  Everywhere we looked were these wonderfully colored trees.  The colors were so bright and vivid, especially with the sun hitting them.  It was so beautiful.  We drove the parkway and laughed and talked.  We would stop at various points and explore.  We started at the beginning of the parkway just off I 64 and took it down to Roanoke, where we spent the night.  The next day we visited an animal safari park and the Crystal Caves.  It was a wonderful time and the memories will last a lifetime.

In 2005, from July to early October, we lived on Kimball Hill in Whitefield, New Hampshire.  I had never been that far north before.  We rented a two room cabin that was part of an 1865 farm "complex".  Previous owners had turned the place into a bed and breakfast.  Our cabin, along with a second one, were actually across the street from the inn.  From the porch, we could see across the valley to the MountainView Grand Resort and Spa.  This was where Tommy was working as Chief Engineer.  He liked getting up early in the morning, especially on his days off, getting a cup of coffee, and sitting on the porch watching  his hotel.  He would call and talk to whomever was working and tell them that he could see the hotel from our front porch.  By the middle of September, the leaves began changing.  We could see two mountain ranges from our portch, the Green Mountains and the White Mountains.  They seemed to catch fire as the leaves changed.  The colors were so vivid and beautiful.  Neither of us had ever seen anything like it before.  (I'll post some pics when I find them).  We were so very happy there.  We always planned on returning, possibly retiring, there.  It was our own slice of heaven.

MARCH BJP PAGE

                                                                                       

This is the Lutheran Cross (actually one of a couple by that name).  I am Lutheran.  Tommy was a non practicing Roman Catholic.  We were married in my Lutheran church and the same minister presided over Tommy's funeral.  The little cross in the middle is supposed to hang straight.  It is only attached at the top and whenever the scanner lid was closed it moved.  Caused my mom no end of frustration.  The date,  10-29-09, is when Tommy died.  Two days before his favorite holiday.  I also had this cross put on his marker.

I have two other pages in progress.  Each one is filled with memories and is helping to ease the pain somewhat.  None of them are going as planned, except maybe this one.  If things keep going this way, I may have all my pages finished by the end of the month.  I think Tommy would approve of what I've done so far. 

JANUARY 2010 BEAD JOURNAL PAGE

Here is my January BJP page.  I finished it in about 6 hours New Year's Eve.  I was missing Tommy so bad.  My heart and soul just felt like they were encased in ice, yet so full of pain and agony, anger and despair.  Death is so final but the pain and anguish of those left behind seems to be so unending.  Tommy was my soulmate, the other half of myself.  His death has left me lost, alone, and frozen in timeless pain forever.

BEADED JOURNAL PROJECT 2010

I have joined the Beaded Journal Project for 2010.  Tommy and I had been talking about my doing it and him designing some of the pictures for me to bead.  Now I am using the project as a way to work through my grief and remember all the wonderful memories we made together.  I had several images chosen to work for different months depending on what happened within that month..for example our wedding anniversary in April or his birthday in May.  I was planning on doing an outline of each of the different states we lived in...things like that.  Once I got started though, things have taken on a life of their own.  I actually have the first three pages done.  I am really quite happy with them.  The fourth page is in progress and also going quite well.  Of course, only one so far has gone as planned...but then aren't plans made to be broken or changed or whatever?  I will post pics soon.  Don't want to upset anyone by having so much done yet.  It has just taken on a life of its own and when I'm working it just seems ot come pouring out.

Happy 2010 to everyone.  I hope everyone has a wonderful and creative year.  I refuse to say this year can't be any worse than last year....cause it always happens.  Although what could be worse than losing Tommy I truly don't know.  It has been 9 weeks now and the pain doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

We had one heck of a scare here yesterday.  I took my pups out in the backyard for their hourly constitutionals.  I told my mom I was doing this.  Her German Shepard Lady and my Zoe DO NOT get along at all.  It was raining and so cold out.  My children hurried up and did what they needed to do and then we came back in.  I didn't realize that my mom had fallen asleep and didn't hear me.  We came in the back door and Lady was immediately on Zoe.  Had her teeth buried in the scruff of her neck and was holding her off the ground shaking her.  It took my brother, Jeremy, at least 2 minutes to get Lady's teeth out of Zoe.  Unfortunately I wasn't a big help...I was freaking out.  Finally Lady let go.  My mom got Zoe into my room and Lady was put in Mom's room.  We got really lucky...really lucky with Zoe....there were no puncture wounds and other than being scared witless, she is okay.  My brother on the other hand, ended up with punctures on each finger of his right hand.  Of course being the adult male that he is, he refused to let anyone take care of him but himself.  This morning everyone is okay.  Zoe is now skiddish about leaving the bedroom.  Zax has not left his sissy once.  He is constantly by her side, licking the area Lady got ahold of.  What a way to end the worst year of my life.

The pups and I spent the rest of the evening cuddling under a blanket in my recliner watching the Thin Man marathon on TCM.  Tommy and I loved the series.  He thought Asta (the dog) was the best character in the story.

2009 CQForNewbies Victorian Boot and Ornament Swap

Tommy and his Zoepuppa

The last four weeks, since Oct. 29th, have been the hardest of my life. Not only did I lose my husband, I lost my best friend, my greatest supporter, my rock, my reason for being. Tommy was my whole life. I truly don't know how I am going to live without him. Each day is a struggle. I can't close my eyes without seeing him. Sometimes I swear I hear his voice. I still check my phone for missed calls or messages from him. I love him and miss him so very very much.

I want to say thank you to everyone who has called, sent cards, emails, thoughts and prayers. They mean so much to me.

I probably won't be around much til after the beginning of the year. I will post pics of the Victorian Boots and ornaments from those exchanges on the CQ4N group. Tommy always helped me with them and he enjoyed them as much as I did.

I wish I could hibernate for the next 6 months...through Thanksgiving, my birthday, Christmas, New Year's, Valentines Day, our wedding anniversary and his birthday.

I wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving. Please don't give up on me, I will be back...just not sure when.

Tommy Neal LearBOSSIER CITY, LA - Tommy Neal Lear, 51, passed away Thursday, October 29, 2009, in Bossier City, Louisiana.Funeral service for Tommy Lear will be held Wednesday, November 4, 2009 at Hill Crest Memorial Chapel at 2:00 p.m. with interment to follow. Reverend Dale Farley will be officiating. Visitation will be Tuesday, November 3, 2009 from 5 until 8:00 p.m.Tommy was a member of Messiah Lutheran Church in Monroe, LA, and was employed as Chief Engineer at Days Inn on Monkhouse Dr. in Shreveport, LA.Tommy is survived by his wife, Mary Pauline Lear, daughters Chelsa Ann Lear and Erin Ree Lear, son, Patrick James Lear, Furbabies Zoe and Zax, granddaughter, Jaylee Lear, father, Tom Lear, mother and stepfather, Marie and Thomas McManus, brother, Jerry Lear, sister, Michelle Lear, nephew, Jeremy Lear, mother-in-law, Caroline Cummings, brother-in-law Jeremy Cummings, and numerous nieces, nephews, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends.Pallbearers will be Jerry Lear, Jeremy Lear, Jeremy Cummings, David Harris, Gustave Von Bodungen, and Nelson Pothiere. Hill Crest Memorial

Thank you to Lesa, Ann, and Karen for your kind comments on my last post. Things have changed since then.
We moved into the hotel for two weeks. I got a head cold that went straight to my chest and got really bad. Listening to me breath sounded like poprocks in my chest. We had no money so my mom mailed us some medicine so I started getting better and then wouldnt you know it, Tommy got sick!!!! Because he was working out in the heat, he got very sick very quickly. I gave all the medicine to him and wouldn't you know it....had a relapse myself. For two weeks I have been sitting in a tiny, dingy, moldy motel room being horribly sick. YUCK!!!
After a 2 week paycheck where the owner only paid him for 40 hours, we decided it was enough. Tommy was busting his ass for this guy. Putting in 10 to 18 hour days and that jackass only paid him for 40 hours....for TWO WEEKS work. So yesterday, Saturday, we packed up and moved in with my family. Tommy is going to take some time off and get well and then find a job around here until he finds his next big hotel job....which will hopefully be our last.
Gotta go move more things off the carport and into the house before nightfall. More later.