January 14, 2010

My mom was looking at my blog tonight and asked me why I did not tell everyone the names of my BJP pages.  I simply forgot.  I got so involved in memories and telling the stories behind the pages that I forgot to give their names.  So to correct that omission, here are the names of my pages.

January--The Rage of a Frozen Heart
March--Going Home

January 10, 2010


Once I started working on the first page, memories and images just started flowing.  February's page is a fall colored tree. 

From May 2004 to July 2005, we lived in Williamsburg, Virginia.  During the fall of 2004, Tommy and I drove the Blue Ridge Parkway in Virginia.  Everywhere we looked were these wonderfully colored trees.  The colors were so bright and vivid, especially with the sun hitting them.  It was so beautiful.  We drove the parkway and laughed and talked.  We would stop at various points and explore.  We started at the beginning of the parkway just off I 64 and took it down to Roanoke, where we spent the night.  The next day we visited an animal safari park and the Crystal Caves.  It was a wonderful time and the memories will last a lifetime.

In 2005, from July to early October, we lived on Kimball Hill in Whitefield, New Hampshire.  I had never been that far north before.  We rented a two room cabin that was part of an 1865 farm "complex".  Previous owners had turned the place into a bed and breakfast.  Our cabin, along with a second one, were actually across the street from the inn.  From the porch, we could see across the valley to the MountainView Grand Resort and Spa.  This was where Tommy was working as Chief Engineer.  He liked getting up early in the morning, especially on his days off, getting a cup of coffee, and sitting on the porch watching  his hotel.  He would call and talk to whomever was working and tell them that he could see the hotel from our front porch.  By the middle of September, the leaves began changing.  We could see two mountain ranges from our portch, the Green Mountains and the White Mountains.  They seemed to catch fire as the leaves changed.  The colors were so vivid and beautiful.  Neither of us had ever seen anything like it before.  (I'll post some pics when I find them).  We were so very happy there.  We always planned on returning, possibly retiring, there.  It was our own slice of heaven.


This is the Lutheran Cross (actually one of a couple by that name).  I am Lutheran.  Tommy was a non practicing Roman Catholic.  We were married in my Lutheran church and the same minister presided over Tommy's funeral.  The little cross in the middle is supposed to hang straight.  It is only attached at the top and whenever the scanner lid was closed it moved.  Caused my mom no end of frustration.  The date,  10-29-09, is when Tommy died.  Two days before his favorite holiday.  I also had this cross put on his marker.

I have two other pages in progress.  Each one is filled with memories and is helping to ease the pain somewhat.  None of them are going as planned, except maybe this one.  If things keep going this way, I may have all my pages finished by the end of the month.  I think Tommy would approve of what I've done so far. 


Here is my January BJP page.  I finished it in about 6 hours New Year's Eve.  I was missing Tommy so bad.  My heart and soul just felt like they were encased in ice, yet so full of pain and agony, anger and despair.  Death is so final but the pain and anguish of those left behind seems to be so unending.  Tommy was my soulmate, the other half of myself.  His death has left me lost, alone, and frozen in timeless pain forever.

January 06, 2010


I have joined the Beaded Journal Project for 2010.  Tommy and I had been talking about my doing it and him designing some of the pictures for me to bead.  Now I am using the project as a way to work through my grief and remember all the wonderful memories we made together.  I had several images chosen to work for different months depending on what happened within that month..for example our wedding anniversary in April or his birthday in May.  I was planning on doing an outline of each of the different states we lived in...things like that.  Once I got started though, things have taken on a life of their own.  I actually have the first three pages done.  I am really quite happy with them.  The fourth page is in progress and also going quite well.  Of course, only one so far has gone as planned...but then aren't plans made to be broken or changed or whatever?  I will post pics soon.  Don't want to upset anyone by having so much done yet.  It has just taken on a life of its own and when I'm working it just seems ot come pouring out.

January 01, 2010

Happy 2010 to everyone.  I hope everyone has a wonderful and creative year.  I refuse to say this year can't be any worse than last year....cause it always happens.  Although what could be worse than losing Tommy I truly don't know.  It has been 9 weeks now and the pain doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

We had one heck of a scare here yesterday.  I took my pups out in the backyard for their hourly constitutionals.  I told my mom I was doing this.  Her German Shepard Lady and my Zoe DO NOT get along at all.  It was raining and so cold out.  My children hurried up and did what they needed to do and then we came back in.  I didn't realize that my mom had fallen asleep and didn't hear me.  We came in the back door and Lady was immediately on Zoe.  Had her teeth buried in the scruff of her neck and was holding her off the ground shaking her.  It took my brother, Jeremy, at least 2 minutes to get Lady's teeth out of Zoe.  Unfortunately I wasn't a big help...I was freaking out.  Finally Lady let go.  My mom got Zoe into my room and Lady was put in Mom's room.  We got really lucky...really lucky with Zoe....there were no puncture wounds and other than being scared witless, she is okay.  My brother on the other hand, ended up with punctures on each finger of his right hand.  Of course being the adult male that he is, he refused to let anyone take care of him but himself.  This morning everyone is okay.  Zoe is now skiddish about leaving the bedroom.  Zax has not left his sissy once.  He is constantly by her side, licking the area Lady got ahold of.  What a way to end the worst year of my life.

The pups and I spent the rest of the evening cuddling under a blanket in my recliner watching the Thin Man marathon on TCM.  Tommy and I loved the series.  He thought Asta (the dog) was the best character in the story.