September 07, 2010

It's been a while since my last post.  I just can't seem to get up the enthusiasm to write here or anywhere else.  I been going up and down with depression.  The last really bad bout lasted most of the summer.  Talking to my family and friends was hard enough, writing here was impossible.  I still have two BJP pages to post and four more to make.  I'm sure they will get done just don't know when. 

I have taken to setting myself short term goals and it seems to be working so far.  Mom and I are doing two shows that are coming up.  One is the Herbal Harvest Fest at St. Patrick's Episcopal Church, which is just down the road from us.  This show is on October 23, the day after my brother's 25th birthday.  The second show is at the WM Moose Lounge on Nov. 6th.  My best friend, Allison, kinda signed me up for this one.  The lady in charge of finding the vendors lives 5 doors down from her and is a good friend of her mother's.  We are one of only 14 vendors at that show.

Of course right in between the two shows is the one year anniversary.  I don't know if I am going to be able to survive it.  Allison is taking the day off and coming to spend the night with me.  She says the three of us are having a sleep over, mom and Allison.  Just thinking about it makes me want to cry.

I have been doing better on the crying front.  I don't do it quite so often any more.  Of course it doesn't take anything to make me bawl.  But I can look at pics of my beloved without crying.  I've gotten where I can talk about memories without crying.  I know my mom is getting tired of hearing about things she already knows about but she is awesome and gets me to talk about our life together more.

We are planning on going to New Hampshire in April to clean out our storage...finally.  My brother and Allison both say they are going with us.  It will be my mom's first big vacation in just over ten years.  We spent two weeks in Colorado in 2000.  Had a wonderful time.  I am hoping this trip will be just as good.  I am, though, a little paranoid about bedbugs.  Actually I seem to be getting obsessed with fear of them...of getting them on this trip.  Who knows...just gives me something else to think and worry about.

Question:  Why are people surprised I am still wearing my wedding ring?  Is there a time limit to wear it?  Why would I take it off?  I had to stop going to grief counseling classes cause they kept telling me, 4 months after I lost Tommy, that I was to stop wearing my ring and stop telling people I am married.  They kept tellign us we are single again and to start saying it and putting it on things that ask about marital status.  That was one of the major reasons I stopped going.  That and the fact that everyone else seemed to be having just too much fun.

Ok, I'm gonna stop rambling now. 


Gerry said...

Mary, don't let anyone make you question why you still wear your wedding ring. That ring is a symbol of the love you and Tommy shared. And just because if fits as comfortable on your finger as a favorite old pair of jeans doesn't mean you need to give it up.

I wish you well, my friend. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep walking your own path.


Karen said...

I think you should wear your ring as long as you want. No one's business but your own honey!! Continue to hang in there!! Big Hugs!

Maddie Can Fly said...

That's just a bunch of bull. My Nana was a widow for 35 years. She always wore her ring and your status is "widow" not "single."

Anonymous said...

Mary, I'm sorry I missed Tommy's passing. There is no time limit. You are married in your heart, and that's all that matters. My mother never quit wearing hers.

My Paul died at the end of March. Sounds like it was a year for it. I'm glad you have a good friend who keeps you going.

Sandra L. said...

Dear Mary, I found your blog through your comment on the Women Who Create Blog. I am also interested in the Brave Girls Camp. Your post touched my heart and brought tears to my eyes. I am 46 and my husband turned 54 last week. Like Tommy was yours, Steve is my best friend. He supports me in my artwork and all I do. I am so, so sorry for your loss. Words sometimes don't help, but please know you are not alone. I would be devastated if I lost my husband; your feelings are totally understandable.
My grandmother wore her wedding ring till the day she died and was buried with it. My granddad had been dead 22 years by then (I never had the pleasure of meeting him). It had had three tiny diamonds that had fallen out but she never took it off to have them replaced.
I asked her once why she never remarried, and she said "because there was never a man as good as your grandpa." I hope they are together in heaven.
My mother was widowed at 50. Daddy died of cancer in 1988, six weeks before my wedding. It took her a long time to feel like she wanted to keep living, but she has a wonderful life, and looks back on the years with my father fondly. She misses him, of course, and is sad that she has grown old without him.
Bless you, Mary. I wish you the best.