November 13, 2007

After a month and a half, I return to the blogging world with a lighter, freer spirit and soul. The past month I have dealt with an injury to my right hand and wrist, a sinus infection that makes my teeth hurt, depression, a week of vacation that included Tommy flying to Virginia and then 3 days with my in laws (and we took Raf with us for those days), and an over all serious lack of motivation to get out of bed, at any time during the day. I did complete several projects, I am happy to say, and I am rather pleased with the results.

First, though, my lighter, freer spirit and soul…..Monday, November 12, 2007, at 4:30 in the morning, in the bathroom of my home, I realized that for the first time in my lifetime, I was at peace with my dad. He always belittled me and everything in my life. I was told I was fat, ugly, and no man would ever want me. When you hear this from your father from the time you are a young teenager til you are over 30, you tend to believe it is true. I know I did. My dad died February 22, 1997. The last time I talked to him, we had an argument, which was pretty typical. All this time I have not been able to let go of the anger I felt for him and the way he treated me; the way I saw myself and truly believed the world saw me. Even after I got married to a man who loves and adores me, I wasn’t able to let it go. I couldn’t understand why someone like Tommy would love and want someone like me. For so long, every thought about myself has been colored by the way one person saw me. Then, suddenly, Monday morning I realized that his birthday is the 14th of November. And for the first time in years, there was no anger, no feeling of self worthlessness……..there was just …………..peace….overwhelming peace. Granted my sinuses and tooth were still painful but I felt better than I had felt in longer than I can remember. I had to wake Tommy up to tell him cause I couldn’t call my mom and wake her up. I called her at 7:30 and told her. Made her cry at work, shame on me. She told me her prayer for me had finally been answered. This feeling is wonderful, so freeing, so……peaceful.

I know this is probably not the place to talk about it, but this is like a catharsis for me. For so long, whenever I talked about my dad, there was so much anger and hurt……and now there’s not. I do feel overwhelming grief. Grief that he will never the fine young man his son turned into; grief that he will never know that his prediction for me becoming a teacher came true; and especially grief for him never having the opportunity to meet the man that loves me just as I am, for who and what I am, no excuses asked or given, just me. And to be totally and brutally honest, my creative ability came from him. The man could draw so beautifully. He also had the gift of being able to look at a piece of wood and see what was hiding inside, and then bringing to fruition. He loved when my brother’s friends would come over and see the huge big mouth bass mounted on the wall over the roll top desk and ask where he caught it. He would just smile and tell them to look closer, and when they did, they would discover it was carved wood. He was so talented like that. He had patience when he was working on a piece that he rarely showed to any of his family.

Anyway, this feeling is still so very new and so very wonderful.

I do have pictures to share but will do them in separate postings. Why?? Cause I want to…


Susan said...

This is the perfect place for this post - right where you friends can read it and celebrate with you! Yay, go you! I look forward to the pictures, too. =)

Maddie Can Fly said...

I was wondering about where you were. Sorry to hear about the sinus infection (and I know how that makes your teeth hurt!), but so glad that you are now lighter of heart. Your Tommy sounds like such a wonderful guy and the two of you are so lucky to have each other.

gocrazywithme said...

Hi Mary, Just checking out your boot (it's beautiful!) and as I read further about your father, just had to comment. I'm so glad you posted your new feelings. Good for you! Gives me hope that someday I'll reconcile my feelings about my dad.
Singer/song writer John Mayer has a song called "Daughters" that says in part, "Fathers be good to your daughters, daughters will love like you do" and "you are the god and the weight of her world". That is so true. So much of how we see ourselves comes from our fathers.
I'm looking forward to working on your Winter STS block!
Janet in Colorado